And One of Them's a Doctor
by SentientCitizen
Summary: Simon's about the find out the hard way that the barker's not lying: there really IS proof of alien life behind that curtain.


**Title:** And One of Them's a Doctor

**Word Count:** ~1,300

Notes/Disclaimers: Alas, I own none of the characters, nor am I profiting from this in any way – unless you count the immense amount of amusement I derive from writing this stuff. Episode tag for Firefly's "The Message", which I both quote and paraphrase quite a bit. Thanks goes out as always to Sophia_Sol, whose insight continues to aid in de-suckifying my fics.

"Forget what you think you know!" the barker cried. "Forget what your mother told you when she tucked you in at night, forget the lies of our oppressive, cabalistic Allied governments! Behind this curtain is the very secret they do not want you to see – the most astounding scientific find in the history of humanity. Proof! Of alien life! That's right, go ahead and laugh, sir, but what you see inside this room will change your life forever! It will haunt your dreams and harrow, yes, your very soul!"

Inside the tent, Simon frowned at the tank. "Huh," was all he said.

"Well?" asked Kaylee, grinning. "Do aliens swim among us?"

Simon leaned in for a closer look. In the tank, the thing writhed angrily, then bashed itself against the glass, eyes glowing a furious red. "No," he said, sounding more confident than he looked. "It's some sort of eel."

"Really?" Kaylee looked doubtful. "It's got an awful funny head..."

The thing seemed to be staring them down now, fins flared aggressively. Simon shrugged. "It's mutated, but it's just an eel," he said, beginning to look more certain. "Some of the rim planets eat them as a delicacy – but they bred their first stock from DNA scrip, instead of animals. Then they set them loose in the water systems and, well, every now and then..."

Kaylee tilted her head, leaning in for a closer look. The thing's mouth opened menacingly, looking all for the world like it was hissing at her. "Huh. I guess so. Poor thing."

"And I'm out twelve bits." Simon sighed, then shot Kaylee a sidelong glance, grinning sheepishly. "I sure know how to show a girl a... disgusting time."

She laughed. "I think it's kinda neat. On Highgate, we didn't hardly have a lick of water what didn't have to be pumped up out from underground – I never seen an eel before this."

"You manage to find the bright side to every single thing," Simon said admiringly.

Kaylee leaned in towards him, a wicked glint in her eyes, and when she slyly pointed out, "Also, we get the booth to ourselves for five whole minutes," Simon silently congratulated himself for not botching things up, yet again.

Self-congratulations had been, as it turned out, premature.

Simon watched Kaylee stalk off with a sinking heart. Where had he gone wrong? He wished there was a textbook that would teach him how to talk to girls, something he could study and learn with the same dedication he'd given to his Med School classes... but both Milton Lee's "The Art of Wooing" and Jack Zhang's "The Mysteries of Woman" had proven baffling and useless. Reading them left him flustered and confused and – yes, apparently it _was_ possible – even more abysmal at inter-gender communication than he'd been before.

"I think I'd have a better chance of forming a meaningful relationship with _you_, all in all," he informed the thing in the tank. It snapped its jaws at him, then threw itself against the tank walls. Rebounding, it threw its head back, as if screeching defiance, and began whirling in fast, angry circles around the glass walls.

Simon frowned. The more he watched it, the more the thing puzzled him. (And thinking about the mystery that the "alien" posed was a million times easier than thinking about how he'd just hurt and alienated the girl he loved, _again_.) It had to be an eel. Didn't it? The way its eyes glowed was... disconcerting, but there was no such thing as alien life. There couldn't be.

He leaned in for a closer look, just as the thing threw itself against the wall of the tank one more time. It struck with such force that Simon could hear its body hit the thick glass with a _crack_ – and the tank's shoddily constructed stand wobbled, then tilted, then came crashing to the ground.

"_Gwai-gwai long duh dong_!" The barker burst into the tent and stared down at the tableau before him, gape-mouthed with astonished fury. "You little _hwun dan_, what do you do to my alien!"

Simon, soaking wet, stared up at the barker from the floor. After a moment, he smiled.

"More important," he said, rising, "is what am _I_ going to do to _you_?"

The barker stared at him. "You're _kwong-juh duh_! What the hell're you talking about?"

Simon sneered, then backhanded the man, who staggered and landed with a splash in the puddle left by the shattered tank. The barker yelped in pain as the glass slivers sliced into his palms – then lapsed into horrified silence when Simon knelt, picked up one a gleaming shard of glass, and calmly held it to the man's throat.

"I should kill you now," he said, eyes cruel, "but it's such trouble explaining the bloodstains. Cross me, and I'll see you die screaming. Dong ma?"

The man couldn't nod, for fear of the sharp-edged glass, but evidently his eyes contained all the answer the doctor needed. Simon laughed. standing, he shoved the man down with a foot to his chest.

"Good."

He left the pale-faced barker behind, pushing his way out of the tent and into the crowds milling through the station. His clothes were soaking wet, but those who might have heckled him took one look at the expression on his face, and steered clear. Simon Tam's eyes held the sort of madness that sane men fear to meddle with.

He wandered slowly through the stalls – perusing their contents, observers thought, or else just lost. Pausing at the end of a row, he spotted a familiar face, and a cruel smile traced his lips again.

"Kaylee," he said, drawing up next to her.

She scowled down at the apples that she'd been eyeing longingly. "_Yes_, Simon?" As she spoke, she turned her head to him – and her scornful tone faltered. "...Simon? What the_ guay_ is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he replied, lips still twisted in that awful parody of Simon Tam's shy smile. "I just like what I see."

She sniffed. "Huh. Didn't sound like that a few minutes ago."

He grabbed her arm – his fingers dug into the muscle there, and she stifled a gasp. "Things change," he told her.

Her face hardened, and she jerked her arm away. "And yet here's you still acting like a _tamade hundan_. Don't you be touching me."

Jerking away from him, she half-turned, her eyes seeking and then finding Mal and the others where they stood in a loose group by the post office. With one last glare at Simon, she stomped away, angrier than ever.

Simon's eyes flashed gold, and for a brief moment his face twisted with rage. Closing his eyes for a moment, he smoothed his features somewhat, then, laughing, began to follow her back to the crew.

Glancing behind, she caught sight of his face. Her breath hitched in her chest, and she tried to suppresses a shudder as he followed her back to the crew.

River reached the group only a few paces behind Simon. She didn't just stop in her tracks – she reeled backwards several paces, shaking her head as if to dislodge something from her mind. Slowly, she lowered her ice planet, staring at him with confusion.

"Simon?" she whispered, beginning to look frightened.

No one answered her.

"Damned souls," she whispered, terror growing in her eyes. The ice planet dropped from nerveless fingers, unnoticed. "Born damned, sneaking in, hiding behind the light!" Her voice was rising, slowly.

Book glanced at her, then at Simon. "Son? I think you might need to see to your sister."

"No, no! His light – going dark, can't be stopped – can't stay sane with evil in your mind –"

"So," Inara asked Kaylee, voice light and teasing and not yet aware of the scene developing just a few paces to her rear, "do aliens live among us?"

Kayless snorted derisively, but there was a hint of something like fear in her eyes. "Yeah. And one of 'em's a doctor. "

And behind them, River began to scream.


End file.
